Since Chachi Plays is video game based, I’ve even included a cheat code for one of my favorite games in the title of this post.  For those of you who have ever played Rad Racer on the NES, that code is to play in darkness.

Moving back to the point of this post, I am glad to be a part of Chachi Plays.  And, I’m really glad to have been a part of Chachi Plays since the beginning.  Over on the Chachi Plays site, we’re bolstering momentum heading into this year’s event on February 10-11.  In doing so, we’re asking folks to share some of their memorable moments from last year, and their expectations for this year.  If we’re asking others to do it, then why not do it myself as well?  So, here you go:

Memorable Moment from Chachi Plays 2011:  There are so many!  But, for the sake of limiting it to one, I would have to go with the Little Big Planet 2 game experience.  It was awesome to have the guys from Games are for Idiots show up with a giant cardboard check payable to Chachi Plays.  They made it a nice big feature of the event by formally presenting Chachi with the check and everything!  And, that check?  Still hanging on Chachi’s wall.  If you watch his Chachi Says the Vid Cast segments, you can even occasionally see the check hanging on his wall in the background.

Anticipated Moment for Chachi Plays 2012:  At this exact moment in time, I can’t really say.  I’m sure that there will be tons of fun to be had.  But, I would definitely urge people to check it out if they can stop by during the 24 hours Chachi will be playing!

My apologies.

Since I seem to be falling into the “quarterly” update schedule at this point, I may as well continue on that path.

1.  Status of Pregnancy-Related Things:  Zip.  Zero.  Nada.  Not pregnant, and we’ve decided not to pursue additional fertility treatments at this time.  And, my body is right back to where it was prior to the fertility treatments.  No period since November.  So, that means my very irregular hormone levels have gone back to their very irregular selves.

2.  Status of Cafe:  At this time, the cafe is on hold.  Dad is back in Western New York getting ready for surgery to fuse his neck.  (He injured his neck a couple years ago, and has to have a re-do surgery.  Shouldn’t be anything too serious, but enough to get him back home to get it scheduled.  The precipitating event for his departure was a bunch of hullabaloo at the cafe, which I prefer not to dredge up at the moment.  Suffice it to say, the cafe is on hold.  But, I’m looking into moving things to the Public Market for baked goods.

3.  What Else is New:  There are a couple things in the what’s new category.  First of all, I’m working diligently on Chachi Plays.  So, that’s occupying a bit of my time.  Secondly, I am working on getting ready for the Pittsburgh Half Marathon and the Super Hero Run.  While I’m doing better in prepping for the first item on my agenda, I am admittedly getting “better” in my preparation for the latter.  I’ve been using my newfound “free” time in the mornings to get in a good workout.  In addition to getting ready for a couple of marathons, I am hoping that by losing some weight, it might help jumpstart some of that natural chemistry that will get my hormones back in check, and hopefully set me back on track for that whole trying to get pregnant thing.  I’m not “hopeful” that it will, but how bad can it be if I lose some weight and get healthy?

My holiday started out rough with the news that one of my friends passed away late in the afternoon on Wednesday.  I worked with her at my first law firm after moving to Pittsburgh.  She was the yin to my work yang.  We worked tandem until the firm split a few years back.  We kept in touch as best we could given our busy schedules, but I realize now how I should have made it a point to keep in touch no matter what.  So, heading into the holiday I’ve had a dark shadow creeping in.

I had planned to spend the actual holiday with my in-laws, helping out in the kitchen as I usually do.  But, someone else had a different plan.  I woke up in the wee hours of the morning, sicker than a dog.  I spent the majority of my Thanksgiving Day in bed, with the few moments I was out bed spent in the little girl’s room revisiting anything that I had tried to put into my stomach (mostly Sprite and medication).  Between that and the headache that engulfed my entire head, yesterday was spectacular.  Not only did I miss out on helping with Thanksgiving dinner, I missed dinner.  (But, Sorg did bring me back a plate so I can have some when I’m feeling up to it.)

But, despite feeling like crap, there was a bit of news that came in late yesterday afternoon that made the holiday that much rougher.  My brother, who was helping out at the cafe when we first opened, and who left to go back to Virginia shortly thereafter, e-mailed a grim suicide note to my mom, my aunt, and a couple of his friends yesterday afternoon.  When my mom tried to reach him, there was no answer.  So, Mom, Dad and my sister drove from Western New York to Virginia last night.  While on the road, my sister tried to reach out to local authorities in my brother’s area, while my mom tried to reach out to my brother.  Thankfully, my brother turned up at his one friend’s house to return/gift some items to her prior to furthering his plans of suicide.  She was home, and brought him inside to talk to him.  If she hadn’t been home, God only knows what would have happened.

I texted my mom briefly this morning, and she indicated that they were trying to get some rest.  But, for all intents and purposes, things seem to be okay for the moment.

Needless to say though, it’s been a rough holiday.  And, here’s to hoping that everyone else’s was a little brighter.

32 years ago today, my mom and dad welcomed me into the world.  32 years after that moment, and here we are today.

The past couple birthdays have been rough for me.  And, this year?  Yeah, it’s following suit.  Please allow me to explain this.  I don’t have an issue with my age (unlike my younger brother who had an absolute fit when he turned 30 a year ago).  I’m fine with my age.  Being 30-something is fine by me.

The part I’m having an issue with is looking back at my life goals and seeing which ones I’ve actually accomplished.  That’s where things get to a darker area of thought.

When I was younger, I envisioned myself graduating high school, going to college, and attending law school.  I envisioned meeting a guy and getting married at 22.  I pictured that I would have my “2.5″ kids by 25.  In my dream, by the time I was 32, I would be well on my way to my own American dream.  I would travel to various places for vacation.  I would have that picturesque house on the hill.  I would have anything I needed, with room for things I wanted.

Looking back at what I pictured, versus what I have,  I somehow feel like I’m living someone else’s life sometimes.  I graduated high school.  I graduated college.  I did not attend law school.  I was not married at 22.  And, I certainly didn’t have kids by 25.  I don’t really vacation, let alone vacation in various places.  And, I don’t have that picturesque house on the hill.

I’m not saying that it’s all bad.  I was married at 24 (okay, so 2 years after my envisioned goal).  Instead of the picturesque house on the hill, I have my fixer-upper in the City of Pittsburgh.  And, instead of vacationing in exotic locales, I have a cafe in Mt. Lebanon.

At this very moment, I simply feel like there’s more out there for my life.  And, I wrestle with this thought at various times.  Maybe it’s because it’s my birthday?  Maybe it’s PMS?  Whatever it is, I’m realizing that even though it’s my birthday, I’m not sure I really feel like “celebrating” me today.

For those of you out there curious as to the status of “things” at the moment – we’ve officially decided to take a break from baby things.  It’s now been a little over a month, and I’m in the middle of a PMS chocolate/peanut butter binge.  (Seriously, I could eat Reese’s right out of business with as much chocolatey peanut buttery mouthfuls of heaven I’ve consumed in the past 2 days.  And, no, it’s not pregnancy cravings.  I have the cramping and other spectacular things to say otherwise.)  Between the cravings and the mood swings, I’ve been doing great the past couple of days!  (Just ask my co-workers how well I’ve been playing with others the past two days!)

As for other things?  There hasn’t been much else going on.  I’m helping Chachi gear up for the next edition of Chachi Plays.  I’m still working my 9-5.  And, I’m squeezing in some other things here and there as my schedule permits.

All I can really say at the moment is wow.

For starters, I still find it amazing how the random thoughts that I write in this space are actually read by folks out there.  Granted, somewhere in my head I intended for that to be the end result – otherwise I would be writing my thoughts elsewhere, like in a personal journal or diary.  But it really is something when I pull up my blog and see that people have actually been reading it (or at least clicking and looking at it long enough for my stats to register it as a view).

Secondly, I still find it amazing how awesome people can be.  For people to have taken the time to read through not only the post that was tweeted by she who shall not be named (just linked), but to also check out some of the other things I’ve written – and more specifically, to have commented on things, is a bit surreal.  It is certainly one thing to read through a post that has been linked by someone you follow in your Twitter feed.  It is something else to actually take the time to leave some thoughts.  Having read through those thoughts, I can honestly say I feel humbled to know that people care enough to have left comments.

Distractions have been nice.

One of my favorite distractions was brought about by a co-worker.  Seriously, how can you not be entertained by this:

There are a few other distractions that have found their way to the forefront of my mind as well.

1.  I will be helping Chachi with the second annual Chachi Plays fundraiser event.  While the Chachi Plays event has not yet been updated, you should keep an eye out, because things will be moving along in the very near future, and we will be overhauling the site to keep folks updated on this year’s event.

2.  I will be providing donations (through Cafe Solstice) for Christianpalooza on Saturday, November 5th at Resurrection’s Big Hall in Brookline.  Proceeds will be benefiting Make A Wish Foundation.

3.  I will also be providing donations (again through Cafe Solstice) for Crazy Scary on October 19th.

Between all of this fun stuff, my 9-5 and the cafe, I’m hoping things will be easier going for the duration.

Now, I was generally trying to avoid Facebook, just in case there was something like this on there.  But, my mom wanted me to see the sign for her bakery.  (Yes, baking is in the family.  Why do you think I started Cafe Solstice?)  See the sign?  Yeah.  That’s what I was logging on to check out.  And of course I scrolled down far enough to read the snarky comment left by my brother and BOOM sonogram – - from one of my high school classmates.

I’m not necessarily sure how Facebook determines which posts come up in your feed.  It never seems to be specifically chronological?  And, what is the magic 8-ball voodoo that Facebook uses to determine what my “top” news items should be?  It seriously makes no sense to me.  (To clarify – I’m not looking for anyone to spell it out for me.  I’m just venting.)  But really, Facebook.  If you’re looking at what I’m talking about or searching online to figure it out, you might want to pay just a little more attention.  Just because I’m looking up information on pregnancy and infertility doesn’t necessarily mean I want to see notifications when my friends post about their own pregnancies.  Trust me.  If I wanted to see that stuff, I’d seek it out.  Right now?  I’d prefer not to have it memorialized in my feed that I’m not pregnant but my friends are.  I’m sure I’ll be fine in a few days and will resume seeing how my friends are doing at that time.  But right now, you make me want to fly to California just to kick you in the nuts so you could have an idea about how I’m feeling.

For now, in addition to holding off on reading comments from yesterday’s post, I will also be refraining from looking at Facebook for anything other than updating daily specials for the cafe.  (Thank goodness I can do that from my iPhone/iPad without actually having to “look” at my Facebook page.)

When you go through fertility treatments, it is consuming.  You go through periods of being poked and prodded with needles and internal sonogram wands.  You go through whatever cycle of medications they put you on.  I’ve been on so many medications over the past 2 years it’s ridiculous.  And the cost of those meds?  Let’s not go there.  Over the past 2 years I’ve probably spent a good $5,000.00 (out-of-pocket) between meds, procedures not covered by my insurance, and co-pays.  If I were to undergo an IVF cycle, the price tag on that process alone starts out at around $10,000.00, and that’s not covered by my health insurance.

The doctor’s office gave me the option to have yet another consult with Dr. Wakim, to call and start yet another cycle when my period starts (Oh yeah – I’ve missed this current cycle too, since the bleeding that’s been going on has apparently been my period!) or to simply take a break.  Holding back tears and trying not to sound like a lunatic while at work, I simply told her I would let them know.  I hung up the phone and broke out in tears sitting at my cubicle at work.

Thankfully, I have an understanding office.  That call came in at around 1:00, and I was able to pretty much log out of my system and go home.  They don’t want me there crying all afternoon.  And I certainly don’t want to be there crying all afternoon.  Sorg drove me home, and I immediately crawled into bed with some Angry Birds on his iPad – and dozed off shortly thereafter.

After a 4-hour nap, I realize that it’s going to take a bit more for me to shake things.  As I’m writing this, all I want to do is cry.  I’m heartbroken that good people who have so much to offer to a child, and who have waited until they’re ready to take that step, are unable to have a child.  I know Sorg and I aren’t the only ones.  And my heart aches at the thought of all of those hopeful people who are having such a difficult time conceiving and/or carrying a child.  And then there’s the other part of me that is jaded by all of those accidental parents out there who simply had unprotected sex one night and wound up pregnant, or those “welfare” parents who have dozens of kids in an effort to continue to live off the system.  It’s those over-fertile “idiots” that make me think that things really aren’t fair in the world of conception.

And, on that note, I’m going to sign off.  (When it’s hard to see what you’re typing because you’re crying – it’s a good sign that you should be stop writing.)

*Note:  I do not want to turn off comments on this thread.  But, please note that I also may not necessarily feel like reading comments at the moment.  If you feel compelled to leave a message, I encourage you to do so.  I promise it will be read – just maybe not until Wednesday…Thanks for understanding.

Things that have happened since I last blogged: PodCamp Pittsburgh, Cafe Solstice and More!

Let’s start with PodCamp Pittsburgh!  I love PodCamp.  It’s one huge thing that I get to work together with a group of other people to put together.  I started as an organizer for PodCamp Pittsburgh 3.  We just recently hosted PodCamp Pittsburgh 6 at Point Park University last weekend.  PodCamp is a big thing for me.  It occupies a good few months, and the last couple of months leading up to the event generally fly by with prepping for the event and handling a lot of last-minute things.  This year, we moved things from our previous “home” at the Art Institute of Pittsburgh to Point Park University.  As with any move, we had a lot of work ahead of us in making the transition.  I certainly came to realize how nice it is to have an “in” at the venue who can make the logistics work out.  Moving to Point Park, we didn’t quite have that, but the folks we were working with did a great job with hooking us up with what we needed.  We are now in the post-PodCamp push, trying to wrap things up and get some feedback from the event.  Overall, I think last weekend went pretty well.  We have some notes to add some room for improvement things, but we generally have that.

Moving on from PodCamp, the other item of business which occupies the most of my time (other than my 9-5) is the cafe.  Things with that are going pretty well.  We actually catered the Friday night meet n’ greet, as well as lunch on Sunday.  You can read more about that over at the cafe site (linked above).  With regard to how it’s been going, it’s getting there.  We’ve had some things crop up, which we’ve been dealing with.  The biggest hurdle we’re trying to overcome is getting people in the door.  Our food is good.  Our prices are great.  It’s just hard to have a presence when you’re sitting in the basement of a building.  This past weekend, I took the opportunity to do some street-level guerrilla marketing.  With mini cupcakes and business cards, I walked up and down the street.  It’s amazing how fast 48 cupcakes will go when you’re giving them away to people.  I was back at the cafe within half an hour.  Best marketing though!  I had a couple walk in to the cafe after we were closed (Dad and I were there cleaning and waiting for a wedding cake appointment) asking to buy cupcakes.  They were that impressed with the samples.  The lady asked about the cupcakes the girl in the green apron had.  She hadn’t taken note of me other than to notice the tray of cupcakes and the green apron I had on.  By the time they walked in, I of course had my apron off.  It was comical to me and dad.  I must admit though, that it’s a pretty good accomplishment for someone to seek you out immediately after having a sample.

And now on to the “more” part.  This is the part that is super sucky at the moment.  I started – yet another – cycle of fertility treatment.  The nice thing is that it seems they found my magic number for my injections.  They started me at 200 units of Follistim and 150 units of Luveris.  After multiple visits for blood work and ultrasounds, I stayed at that level throughout my injection period.  As things stand at the moment, I have a blood pregnancy test scheduled for 6:45 tomorrow morning.  Thanks to PodCamp, I’ve had my mind off the whole baby thing for the better part of this cycle.  Things along those lines pretty much consisted solely of morning blood work, phone calls with results and instructions, and repeat.  I didn’t have much time to actually “think” about everything until now, when PodCamp isn’t running my daily life.  As for how I’m feeling about the pregnancy test – gonna be honest: not that great.  I had some “pregnancy symptoms” earlier last week (breast tenderness, slight morning sickness, “feeling” pregnant, etc.).  I’ve had some cramping/bleeding since Wednesday though.  I put a call in to my doctor’s office.  I was advised not to worry about it.  They assured me that plenty of women have bleeding and cramping and go on to have confirmed pregnancies and happy, healthy babies.  As a rational human being though, bleeding (although more than spotting, but not “quite” enough to be considered my period) is still bleeding.  Add to that the fact that my “pregnancy symptoms” have dissipated, I’m really not hopeful about things for tomorrow.  In an effort to “be fair” to myself, Sorg and I have chatted about it.  I’m not really sure at this point whether I want to continue with my infertility treatments.  I’ve been with Dr. Wakim’s practice for what will be 2 years after the New Year.  In that 2 years, I have gone through about 7 cycles of treatment ranging from Clomid to injections, and I’m getting to the point where I’m no longer hopeful about things.  This realization makes me very sad.  But, it also makes me realize that I need a break.  I have already warned my office manager at work that depending on what news I get tomorrow, I may be out of the office on Tuesday.  Going into things now, I’m about 80% sure the test will be negative when they do blood work tomorrow.  When I do get that confirmation, I’m seriously considering packing a bag and just driving as far as I can go and just unplugging from EVERYTHING.  Probably not the best way to deal with things, I know.  But, it’s how I generally find myself needing to deal with things.

So there.  You’ve been updated.  It’s quite possible you’ll have an update tomorrow.  I really am going to try to write more frequently.  It’s just finding that good balance of both time to write, and topics to write.