Nighttime sharpens, heightens each sensation…

I find myself in a very dark place as of late. And in doing so, it frightens me sometimes. It’s almost as though I am at a place where I “know” I need to grow somewhere in my life and I’m stuck on a plateau unable to do so. I am unable to even determine at this point where it is that I need to focus on the growth. There are some areas where I “want” to grow, but those areas aren’t where I necessarily “need” to grow.

To some regard, there is a part of me, deep down in the depths of my soul, that wants to completely redefine myself. Logically speaking, it would be impossible and rather unnecessary to do that. There are parts of my life that I am very happy with.

I must admit that I am happy with my marriage, for instance. We have our moments where things aren’t always chipper, but we have thankfully been able to get through those times…together. I look at other marriages that are either rocky or have completely crumbled, and realize that I can be grateful for what I have with Mike.

I am happy with my education and work. I want to pursue my legal degree officially, but I am happy in the knowledge that I have a good job as a paralegal where I am.

One of the primary “I wish I could have” moments has to do with my artistic abilities. My regular job(s) utilize my reasoning and non-creative writing abilities. I have not had an artistic outlet for some time. Granted I have some cameo work with Mike’s projects, which makes me happy, but it isn’t “mine.” I used to do many artistic things, such as writing, singing, photography, painting, drawing, visits to theatrical shows, various types of musical shows, and the list goes on. Presently, I find myself wrapped up with hip-hop (almost solely), and miscellaneous art things for that benefit.

I used to write poetry! I haven’t picked up a pen to write poetry in forever. I used to practice arias for vocal training. I haven’t “sung” in forever. I used to photograph sunsets and nature. I don’t think I’ve even watched a sunset in years! And it makes me long for more.

So how does one squeeze in those side events around everything that “has” to be done in the day-to-day life of a grown-up? This is the balance I’m trying to find out at the present time. No longer is my time solely mine to divide up. I now have a husband whose actions and thoughts need to also be taken into consideration. I have grown up responsibilities, such as a job, a mortgage, student loan payments, car payments, etc.

My days have become somewhat mundane. I get up for work, work 8 or so hours, pick up my husband from work, grab dinner on the run to a meeting, an event or some other activity which keeps us away from home for a number of hours, get home from said event and try to get enough sleep to do it all over again the following day.

I sing in the shower, and during my work commute. I doodle on a notepad while I’m on a telephone call. But I have all this creative energy slowly boiling over.

I almost feel like jumping up from where I sit at this coffee house (for another one of Mike’s meetings), and start into a joyful rendition of The Hallelujah Chorus, or one of various other snippets from my high school and collegiate musical repertoire. Instead, I find myself quietly humming Hallelujah Chorus in my head so as not to cause a distraction for the other patrons.

I think I am going to locate the collection of poetry and short stories I wrote so long ago, dust them off and maybe even see about putting them together into some compilation piece with my photography and original artwork. In addition to that, I think I will make the time for a weekly diversion from my normal activities to specifically allow me the time to be creative. I think I will also “force” myself to start a separate blog specifically dedicated as an artistic sounding board for my writing and artwork. I also declare that I will have a mandatory meet-up schedule with like-minded individuals to attend various artsy events, such as theater, opera, readings and the such.

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