Damn Type A Personality!

I find myself working through many thoughts this evening. So, I apologize in advance for anything that may come across and is not completely developed. For all intents and purposes, the thoughts make sense in my head, and I assume they will make just as much sense in writing.

I keep circling this drain of the overwhelming unknown. It just keeps sucking me in, and I can’t help but try to reach out for help. Although I know there are many people there to help, it’s almost as though no one has a hand that I can actually reach out and grab hold of.

I internalize. I always have. I always will. I know this. I’ve tried to change this. I’ve been horribly unsuccessful in changing this. I’ve pretty much given up on trying to change this.

I am a proud person. I don’t like to accept help from others, let alone ask for it. And don’t get me started on how badly I take it out on myself if I mess something up. I have been, and possibly always will be my own worst enemy to this regard. Throughout my life people have told me that I need to relax. I can’t. And, I can’t explain why I can’t. It’s just the way I am.

I am always trying to think ahead, trying to expect the next step so I am not caught off guard. I am one of the worst control freaks I know. And, in possessing this knowledge is where I find my biggest problem. I know that I need to let go of things, but I can’t seem to be able to bring myself to the point of being able to do so.

And this is the largest part of my current psychosis. I know that there are things I need to do. I know that there are things that I have to do. I know that there are things that I want to do. But what am I supposed to when I subconsciously shoulder the responsibility that belongs to other people?

It becomes a duplicative argument for me. I know that I have my own things to work on, and that there is procedure and protocol with regard to doing such. And, I am meticulous with what I do. On the other hand, I see something that has been half-assed by someone else, and I have the overwhelming desire to fix it. In doing so, I obviously create more work for myself. But, it is difficult for me to allow something to go through when I know it is incomplete or incorrect.

So I wind up going through this never-ending loop of expectations. I am normally able to let things go enough so my mind can function. There are a few things that have lodged themselves so deeply into my conscious thoughts that it is becoming very difficult for me to function beyond them. This thought is very upsetting for me, and I want to be able to just take a break from things until I can get it worked out.

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2 thoughts on “Damn Type A Personality!

  1. I get it.I think we may be on some bizarre dual pathed life…No one is harder on themselves than …. well,… themselves.It’s not easy, and I’m still trying, but learning to forgive yourself for not being perfect, seeing every pitfall, or doing everything beyond the realm of perfection expected by others so that you set your bar higher than even you set it to begin with… it can help…So can chocolate.~*hugs*~

  2. There’s a reason we all get along so well. I’m learning to let some things go, but it’s a slow process. Fortunately, in my case, the flurry of a Toddler helps me to focus and keep moving on when I badly want to dwell.

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