The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

We’ll start with the good – I may be trying out some new things on the way to conception.

And, the bad – I may be trying out some new things on the way to conception.

But, we can’t forget the ugly – I may be trying out some new things on the way to conception.

For those of you who have been following this little process, thanks for the words of support.  It has certainly been a process.  Along the way, I was hopeful that the medication schedule I was on, in conjunction with the assisted fertilization through timed intercourse process would mean that by this time I would be writing about my experiences through my first trimester of pregnancy.  Yeah…that’s not the case.

I don’t like being whiny, and I generally try to keep my hopes up, but this is my fourth cycle on a regimen of Clomid.  And, we’re still not pregnant.

I went in this past Saturday for a sonogram, and my follicles were not yet open where they needed to be for egg development, release and ultimate fertilization.

The doctor’s office wanted me to give it a few more days, so they scheduled me for a follow-up sonogram yesterday.  I was hopeful that there would have been some change in my follicles.

I have tested since day 12 (today is day 17) for an LH surge.  Although there are two lines on the LH test, the test line is still not as dark as the sample line, which means I am not yet ovulating.  While this should have given me an idea that it probably isn’t going to happen this cycle, I was still hopeful.  Maybe the sonogram would indicate that my follicles were “almost there” and they would give me another couple days before bringing me back in for another sonogram.

I got “the call” from my doctor’s office late yesterday afternoon.  Hope (how convenient a name for someone working in a fertility clinic) called me.  She let me know that the doctor had reviewed my sonogram, and my follicles were still not large enough.  I was told to continue testing for an LH surge, and that if I had a positive test to call back and they would bring me in for another sonogram to see how my follicles were doing, but they were not hopeful that that would happen.  As if that news wasn’t fun enough in and of itself, I was then informed that my doctor wanted to see me again to discuss some things.

My doctor wants to discuss some things?  But, of course Hope couldn’t tell me what is to be discussed.  And, this is where the panic hit and I started thinking about the possibilities:

1.  At the very onset, we were informed that the Clomid regimen may or may not work.  There are other drugs available to aid in conception, but Clomid is a milder one that has less potential for multiple births and complications.  Does this mean that we might be trying one of these other drugs?  If so, what does that mean?

2.  Obviously the medication schedule I am on is supposed to regulate my cycle and ensure that I am ovulating.  What if I’m simply not ovulating?  What if I’m in perimenipause? Is the doctor going to let us know that I’m the reason we can’t conceive?

3.  What if the doctor wants to try IVF?  Sorg and I have discussed the what-ifs of IVF.  But, IVF doesn’t appear to be covered under my insurance.  Can we afford IVF without medical coverage for it?  I am also admittedly a little scared of the idea of IVF.  I have friends who have conceived and had children through the miracle of IVF.  But, honestly?  I really want to be able to have children without the use of a proverbial turkey baster!

So yeah, these are the panic thoughts that immediately ran through my head as I hung up the phone.  These are the panic thoughts that also brought me to tears and crumpled me in a mass on the sofa for a few hours.

Although I had a moment of weakness and doubt, I have taken the opportunity to freak out, cry a few tears of frustration and defeat, and I am hopeful for a surge in the next couple days if for no other reason than to let the doctor know that my cycle is not like the average cycle, and although I have not yet ovulated, I shouldn’t be counted out just yet.

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4 thoughts on “The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

  1. Missy, everything happens for a reason, stay calm. Things that don’t kill you will make you stronger. God bless yinz guys and I can’t wait to hear you bitching about getting a sitter so you guys can get away to the Lounge.

    • Thanks everyone. I’m trying to keep my chin up. It’s good to know that I have friends to offer that sort of support too. 🙂

      Hutch – You were dead-on with that one, man.

      Teb – No chocolate yesterday. Today? I’m starting with a Starbucks hot chocolate, and I’m thinking brownies may need to make an appearance in my oven later.

      BB – This chin seems to be getting pretty heavy. But, I’m trying. :/

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