I’m Really Bad at This

**NOTE:  This post would normally have been one that would sit in my drafts, to either go unpublished or to be edited once I was in a better frame of mind.  But, I want to have current content going on here.  I mean no disrespect or ill-will toward anyone with regard to some of the comments.  I’m just putting my thoughts out there before they consume me.**

By “this” I mean blogging.  And, it’s for a combination of reasons (ahem…excuses).  I want to write more, but the topic that I’ve primarily found myself driven to write about seems to not be helping that much.  I started infertility diagnosis/treatment in January 2010.  It is now August 2011, and I still have nothing to report.  Kinda like the girl who’s always the bridesmaid, never the bride – I find myself feeling like the girl who’s always invited to the baby shower, never being the expectant mother.  As upbeat as I try to be about things, I often find myself in a bit of a depression over it.  Maybe that’s why I throw myself into other things as a distraction?

I’ve been relatively open about things here, but I’ve also withheld content.  I’m grateful I have a place where I can be open about it, although I find that writing daily on the topic would be pretty much a copy and paste kind of philosophy at this point.  When there’s nothing going on, there’s nothing going on.  That’s where I’ve been for a while now.  And, it’s getting to me.

Social media at this point has become a blessing and a curse in that regard.  Twitter and Facebook help me keep up on what’s going on in my friends’ lives when a phone call doesn’t always happen.  That’s the good thing.  The bad thing is reading through tweets and FB updates and seeing conversations about parents experiencing the new things their babies do each day, or finding an announcement that another one of my friends or family members is expecting.  I guess that’s one of the reasons I’ve been withdrawn with regard to social media lately too.  It just really hurts.  And, if it hurts, I don’t want to do it.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends who have children.  And I love their children.  I’m not trying to say that I don’t want to be around kids or people who have kids.  It’s just rough.  And honestly, it seems to be getting rougher.  As much as I’m optimistic about things, when I hit a funk like I’m in at the moment, it’s one helluva funk.  This present funk has been getting deeper and deeper for a while now.  I hope that by writing, it will help release some of that weight hanging on my soul.

My promise to myself is that I am going to write here daily.  I don’t care if it’s a few sentences.  I have to have somewhere to lay my thoughts out before they keep bogging me down.

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3 thoughts on “I’m Really Bad at This

  1. My dear baby girl. My heart is heavy knowing the heartache you are going through. I wish there were a magic wand or pill or app that would help make things right, but alas there isn’t. All I can tell you is to believe that God does have a special plan for you and that at this time, children are not a part of it. Listen to Him and follow where He takes you and all will work out in the end. If it hasn’t worked out yet, it’s not the end. Just remember God loves you, I love you and a whole bunch of others do too. We are all here for you. Call me when you need to or if you just want to talk. I love you.
    Mom

  2. Have you by any chance joined online infertility support groups, or found others on Twitter or Facebook going through the same struggles? In my experience, it can really help to have support, to hear others say, “I know how you feel.” Good luck.

    • I have had a ton of people reach out through social media. Many have found me through my blog, Twitter and Facebook. I’ve actually found that a few of my social media friends have gone through the same things. It’s all helpful, and it means a lot to know that I’m not alone – even though it feels like it sometimes. Thanks for your thoughts. They are certainly appreciated. 🙂

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