Big Fat Negative

As I mentioned yesterday – I kinda knew this was coming.  But, it still sucks hearing those words from the nurse on the other end of the line.  Yes, my blood pregnancy test came back negative.  I am once again not pregnant.  As I mentioned yesterday, this has been almost 2 years of trying with guided fertility treatments and instructions from a physician.  Add that the the prior 4 years on our own, and that’s 6 years of trying.  I am mentally exhausted.  I know I’m still young, and that I technically have plenty of time, but where I’m at right now, I have to question whether or not it’s worth it to me at the cost of my sanity.

When you go through fertility treatments, it is consuming.  You go through periods of being poked and prodded with needles and internal sonogram wands.  You go through whatever cycle of medications they put you on.  I’ve been on so many medications over the past 2 years it’s ridiculous.  And the cost of those meds?  Let’s not go there.  Over the past 2 years I’ve probably spent a good $5,000.00 (out-of-pocket) between meds, procedures not covered by my insurance, and co-pays.  If I were to undergo an IVF cycle, the price tag on that process alone starts out at around $10,000.00, and that’s not covered by my health insurance.

The doctor’s office gave me the option to have yet another consult with Dr. Wakim, to call and start yet another cycle when my period starts (Oh yeah – I’ve missed this current cycle too, since the bleeding that’s been going on has apparently been my period!) or to simply take a break.  Holding back tears and trying not to sound like a lunatic while at work, I simply told her I would let them know.  I hung up the phone and broke out in tears sitting at my cubicle at work.

Thankfully, I have an understanding office.  That call came in at around 1:00, and I was able to pretty much log out of my system and go home.  They don’t want me there crying all afternoon.  And I certainly don’t want to be there crying all afternoon.  Sorg drove me home, and I immediately crawled into bed with some Angry Birds on his iPad – and dozed off shortly thereafter.

After a 4-hour nap, I realize that it’s going to take a bit more for me to shake things.  As I’m writing this, all I want to do is cry.  I’m heartbroken that good people who have so much to offer to a child, and who have waited until they’re ready to take that step, are unable to have a child.  I know Sorg and I aren’t the only ones.  And my heart aches at the thought of all of those hopeful people who are having such a difficult time conceiving and/or carrying a child.  And then there’s the other part of me that is jaded by all of those accidental parents out there who simply had unprotected sex one night and wound up pregnant, or those “welfare” parents who have dozens of kids in an effort to continue to live off the system.  It’s those over-fertile “idiots” that make me think that things really aren’t fair in the world of conception.

And, on that note, I’m going to sign off.  (When it’s hard to see what you’re typing because you’re crying – it’s a good sign that you should be stop writing.)

*Note:  I do not want to turn off comments on this thread.  But, please note that I also may not necessarily feel like reading comments at the moment.  If you feel compelled to leave a message, I encourage you to do so.  I promise it will be read – just maybe not until Wednesday…Thanks for understanding.

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25 thoughts on “Big Fat Negative

    • Thanks lady. (Finally getting around to reading comments.) Hanging in there. What more can I do? I’ll definitely take you up on that sangria offer. That’s one of the good things about taking a break – I can do the whole drinking alcohol thing at least. 😉

    • Thanks Amy. Thoughts are certainly appreciated. We’re taking things in stride, and it’s helpful to know that we have support from our friends. Maybe you can join for some sangria. 🙂

  1. I am so so sorry.

    Trying to get pregnant is soul destroying and nothing anyone can say will make that better.

    And, I agree. It is totally unfair that people who desperately want a baby can’t have one easily and yet accidental pregnancies happen every day. Absolutely unfair.

    I hope you have plenty of chocolate in the house, or whatever makes you feel better. Wishing for you fuzzy socks, warm blankets and a positive pregnancy test, all ASAP.

    (Came via Burgh Baby’s tweet, just in case you’re wondering)

    • Thank you so much for posting your thoughts. (And for letting me know where all the traffic came from!) I’ve found that writing about it has opened me up to a community of amazing people. I’ve had a good week of working through the emotional aspects of things. Right now, I’m taking it a day at a time. And, it really helps to know I’m not alone.

  2. I wish I had some words of wisdom that will make it all better, but I don’t. I can offer hugs. I’ll also go with burghbaby’s idea and buy you an oversized sangria. We’ll just have to make a girls night of it and take turns buying you drinks.

    • Thanks Lisa. I’m doing “okay” with things. I have my moments, but I’m doing alright. I certainly appreciate the thoughts. And, like I mentioned to BB, the return of alcohol is a plus. 😉

  3. I know what you’re going through, and it is so hard. No one understand it unless they’ve been through it. The unknowing, the longing, the sadness, the stress of your marriage and other relationships. It, for lack of a better word, sucks. Big time. I’m so sorry that you are going through it.

    I don’t know if you are religious, but I am, so I will be praying that your prayers are answered, that God will support you and get you both through this. I will pray that you are able to see a pregnant woman without wanting to crawl into a hole and die, and to see a baby without bursting into tears. Most of all, I will pray that you will become a mother, because that’s what you deserve.

    • Although I would not classify myself as a “devoutly religious” person (I have my beliefs) I have spent a lot of time in prayer throughout the entire process. Your description of wanting to crawl into a hole and bursting into tears is pretty much spot-on. And, that is where I realize I need the most help at the moment. I also realize the hardest part is to simply realize I cannot control what happens with it. At the moment, I’m taking things a day at a time, and am looking at other things to occupy myself. Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. They are certainly appreciated.

    • Thanks for your thoughts. My mind is certainly more exhausted than my body at this point. I realize that a rest is exactly what I need. For the moment at least, I’m taking things a day at a time. It’s interesting when I look back over the past couple of years how tunnel vision has made simple things, like dinner with my husband, become so different. It’s nice to have that pressure lifted and to be able to reconnect without that goal line in mind.

    • Thanks Barb. Virtual hugs are always appreciated. And better on your part because you didn’t have to break out your rain poncho to avoid the onslaught of tears. 😉

    • I hear that “I don’t know what to say” a lot lately. And that’s okay. The fact that you stopped by to say it means a lot. Your thoughts and prayers are certainly appreciated. And it’s good to know that Sorg and I have such wonderful support from our community of online friends.

  4. This is one of those times when you want to shut down, regardless of how many people are pulling for you. I call it the dark nights of our soul, and really, what everyone is trying to say is that we are all leaving the light on for you so you are not alone. I wish you the healing you need to get through this. I send comfort and hugs and prayers to you and Sorg. You will get through this.

    • A week later, and your comment still socks me in the gut and immediately elicits a reaction of tears. Your description of things is spot-on. When I got the call last Monday, I really did just want to shut down. That shut-down continued into Tuesday, and to some regard through most of last week. I’ve found myself in that dark night of the soul on only a couple of occasions throughout my life, and last week was certainly one of them. It is reassuring to know that (like Motel 6) you’ll leave the light on. (Yeah – had to add a little joking commentary in there to fight back tears – yet again.) But getting back to things, thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. It’s through the help of those thoughts and prayers that we’ll be able to pull through. And they are certainly appreciated.

  5. Infertility is without a doubt the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. I know there is nothing I can say that will make it better for you, because in our 6 years of “trying” no one has said anything that made it better for me.

    After six years of trying, and two failed rounds of IVF, we started down the adoption path. It is not an easy path, and it is not for everyone, but it’s going to get us where we want to go – to a family. At some point, I’ve come to peace with the fact that being pregnant is not going to be part of that process for me.

    I think I will always carry a sadness that I never got to experience pregnancy, childbirth, etc., but I will get to be a mom one day soon, and that has helped to heal my pain in ways I never expected. I blog about it occasionally at looseintheburgh.com if you are interested in connecting…

    • This is one of the “nice” things about this entire process: it has connected me to people who have been there. I can honestly say that your comment about “nothing I can say that will make it better for you” is pretty accurate with regard to how I feel. But (not meaning to offend anyone else who’s commented and hasn’t been through it) you do have a better understanding than those who have not been through it. I can honestly say that you reaching out has touched a place in my heart. The fact that you’ve been where I am speaks volumes. Two failed rounds of IVF and six years of trying, certainly puts you right there beside me. I am happy to hear that you have come to peace with it, and that you are to soon be a parent through the adoption process. While that is a path that my husband and I have talked about, I am still having a bit of a difficult time “accepting” that as an option at the moment. I will certainly make it a point to stop by your site and see how things are going. Who knows, you may offer some additional insight into the acceptance and adoption process if/when I’m ready to try that. Thank you so much for your thoughts, and good luck on your own path to parenthood. I wish you the best with it.

  6. Oh hon I am so very sorry. This sucks. Really. That’s all I can say, as none of this will make you feel any better, less alone, or more upbeat.

    When you feel up to it, please let me know when you have a spare evening, we’ll have some wine and be mad at the universe together 😉

    • Thanks lady! I’m “okay” with things at the moment. We’re taking some time off and will revisit things later. I’m not even putting a timeframe on things. When we’re ready, we’re ready. Until then, I feel like a weight has been lifted. And of course now that we’re not trying, that whole alcohol thing is a possibility again. So, I’ll certainly take you up on that offer for some wine. 😉

  7. Pingback: A Small Step Forward « my not so warm and fuzzy thoughts

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