As I mentioned yesterday – I kinda knew this was coming. But, it still sucks hearing those words from the nurse on the other end of the line. Yes, my blood pregnancy test came back negative. I am once again not pregnant. As I mentioned yesterday, this has been almost 2 years of trying with guided fertility treatments and instructions from a physician. Add that the the prior 4 years on our own, and that’s 6 years of trying. I am mentally exhausted. I know I’m still young, and that I technically have plenty of time, but where I’m at right now, I have to question whether or not it’s worth it to me at the cost of my sanity.
When you go through fertility treatments, it is consuming. You go through periods of being poked and prodded with needles and internal sonogram wands. You go through whatever cycle of medications they put you on. I’ve been on so many medications over the past 2 years it’s ridiculous. And the cost of those meds? Let’s not go there. Over the past 2 years I’ve probably spent a good $5,000.00 (out-of-pocket) between meds, procedures not covered by my insurance, and co-pays. If I were to undergo an IVF cycle, the price tag on that process alone starts out at around $10,000.00, and that’s not covered by my health insurance.
The doctor’s office gave me the option to have yet another consult with Dr. Wakim, to call and start yet another cycle when my period starts (Oh yeah – I’ve missed this current cycle too, since the bleeding that’s been going on has apparently been my period!) or to simply take a break. Holding back tears and trying not to sound like a lunatic while at work, I simply told her I would let them know. I hung up the phone and broke out in tears sitting at my cubicle at work.
Thankfully, I have an understanding office. That call came in at around 1:00, and I was able to pretty much log out of my system and go home. They don’t want me there crying all afternoon. And I certainly don’t want to be there crying all afternoon. Sorg drove me home, and I immediately crawled into bed with some Angry Birds on his iPad – and dozed off shortly thereafter.
After a 4-hour nap, I realize that it’s going to take a bit more for me to shake things. As I’m writing this, all I want to do is cry. I’m heartbroken that good people who have so much to offer to a child, and who have waited until they’re ready to take that step, are unable to have a child. I know Sorg and I aren’t the only ones. And my heart aches at the thought of all of those hopeful people who are having such a difficult time conceiving and/or carrying a child. And then there’s the other part of me that is jaded by all of those accidental parents out there who simply had unprotected sex one night and wound up pregnant, or those “welfare” parents who have dozens of kids in an effort to continue to live off the system. It’s those over-fertile “idiots” that make me think that things really aren’t fair in the world of conception.
And, on that note, I’m going to sign off. (When it’s hard to see what you’re typing because you’re crying – it’s a good sign that you should be stop writing.)
*Note: I do not want to turn off comments on this thread. But, please note that I also may not necessarily feel like reading comments at the moment. If you feel compelled to leave a message, I encourage you to do so. I promise it will be read – just maybe not until Wednesday…Thanks for understanding.